| just came home. |
[11:04:07 * 10:32pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
i only come home to see my family. or what's left of it anyways. my little brother and sister are asleep ( he's playing gameboy under the covers, she's talking on the phone to her friend) and i walked in to see my dad "sleeping" on the computer desk. his truck wasn't in the driveway so i wasn't expecting him to be here. i was happy. until i asked why his truck wasn't here. " i didn't feel like driving so i got a ride." he is drunk. he struggled to stand and walked around a little bit before giving me a pathetic hug, and off to bed he went.
ashflksajhfkjasdf. i wish things were the same.
1334 midway dr. alpine, ca 91901.
bring me back.
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|
| over |
[10:04:07 * 2:04pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
it.
jealousy, envy and paranoia.
pain, drugs (rx), and doubt.
anxiety, fear and depression.
past, regret and anger
i'm not, but i'm trying to. trying harder at this than anything before. before i can hold happiness in the palm of my hand, i must get over this first.
books, talking and chase beckwith
friends, work and roaming (not on my phone)
traveling, planning and saving
halo3, love and food
marijuana, cooking and cleaning
coffee, careers and orange county
recycling, the beach, children
these are the things that help.
myspace, cell phones and girls
gas, trash and bad people
computers, time and drugs
ex boyfriends and the memories of them.
Fuck all of those things. i want all of them out of my life.
i hate the restrictions that time gives me, i guess i can't help that.
this is pointless, long and did i say pointless?
|
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| i just wish |
[08:28:07 * 2:17pm ] |
everything could be good. the good to bad ratio is like
.00001:3249580985
|
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| aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa |
[08:27:07 * 12:58am ] |
i have never felt so full. i'm so inlove and so loved.
so, that means it can only go down hill from here. it's only a matter of time.
but i'm going to live every moment of this like i've never been hurt <33
|
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| i take the blame for this one. |
[08:16:07 * 1:21pm ] |
| [ |
music |
| |
all-american rejects... sue me. |
] |
and every other one. it's always my fault. my am i always fucking everything up?
|
|
| ten twenty seven post meridiem |
[08:14:07 * 10:27pm ] |
|
hmm. i don't really know where to start. i'm so done with life and pain and guilt and life and death and pain. yeah, that's what's up.
|
|
| sdasdasdagdfhdasADFGH |
[08:03:07 * 12:02pm ] |
|
JUKTSAGDFHJJHFKDFHAGSEEFASHFSJS
i thought something like jealousy would fade as i mature. i'm either just as immature or i'm just a jealous person.
I HATE IT. i don't feel good enough. i wonder if she's better than me..... i annoy myself
|
|
| is it bad? |
[07:24:07 * 11:16pm ] |
i have a confession to make:
hey, aint life wonderful? wonderful... isnt it wonderful
Now?
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope its over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when youre little
And the worlds so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that its all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I dont believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when youre little
And the world is so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I dont wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna meet your friends
And I dont wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now...
I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now.
my parent's divorce still depresses me. i wonder what i would have been without it. what if i would be better off than i am now?
i don't want to hear you say that i will understand someday
it's been so long and i still don't. i used to want to so badly and now i'm realizing i never will.
i will never forget what you did to us.
|
|
| but what can you do |
[07:22:07 * 4:02pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
?
nothin.
it bugs me that my boyfriend doesn't interact with my family. they're pretty important to me, and i know they can't think too much of him when he walks through my front door and runs up stairs without even saying "hi" or "how's it going." i know i wouldn't at least. i try mentioning something about it, he doesn't care.
but what can you do? nothing.
|
|
| ddfjjash |
[07:12:07 * 1:51pm ] |
|
i cry and curse when i'm alone
i laugh and flirt when you're on the phone
|
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| haha kind of funny. |
[07:07:07 * 7:25pm ] |
|
i just discovered i am taking the strongest doseage of my anti depressants. how the hell did that happen? i didn't even know! and i also was told they were anti anxiety/ depression, but they're just anti depression. weird. i've found because of my side effects that they are actually causing me to be worse off. it's the reason why i have fucking short term memory loss. if you know me, you know my memory is shit. they can also cause stress-induced uti's!!!!!!!!!!!! nice. it's having not only a mental effect on myself, but a physical one as well. hm, iwonder if i'll become one of those victims of a medicine gone wrong type of thing. i wonder.
|
|
| failing. |
[07:06:07 * 1:45pm ] |
i feel like i'm failing every time i wake up. why?
all i want to do is help everyone and make everyone happy. if one person isn't happy, i've failed. FUCK.
|
|
| asdfghjkl |
[07:01:07 * 9:52am ] |
|
you left me. you left me with more shit to come. more shit for me to deal with, moreshitthanintheboxesyouleftmecryingnexttoattheendofmydriveway.
go
to
hell.
|
|
| yeaaaaah |
[06:28:07 * 7:25pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Anberlin |
] |
and i decided:
i will be happy in the end.
everything is going to work out and all i have to do is try.
i can fucking do this shit man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hjagdlajsghfsldjgfalkdhqpiufrhpefhsiufhsldkjhflaksd
yesterday i was driving during sunset, and my windows were down, and my hair was blowing. it was amazing. i love life, i love my boyfriend, my friends, and i love my family. perrrrrfect.
i'm kind of scared.. so when is it going to start getting bad?
i know it is. it's just too perfect to believe :v
|
|
| it has ben far too long. |
[06:13:07 * 3:23pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dave matthew's |
] |
i haven't been on in almost 2 years, that is amazing. i'm so different and all of these posts sure do bring me back. now that barely anyone is on here i will be able to vent.
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|
[08:20:05 * 1:22pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
F.O.B |
] |
i'm excited for schoool :]
but i think my boobs shrunk :[
I'm glad to be home. pictures will be posted soon, i promise.
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|
[08:03:05 * 3:16pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
audioslave |
] |
ALRIGHT. that's it. boys.. you can hurt me all you want.. i'm used to it so it is kind of expected.. but you hurt my LINDSEY.. MY BRAIN.. now you're in trouble.
i love my brains.. beach tomorrow.. it's going to be a blast.
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kisssstheselips's journal
moody